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I want reply!!!

I’m growing more anxious, and more anxious, and more anxious.

I want reply on email, not reply on Whatsapp. Of course it’s also happy to have replies on Whatsapp; but I still want reply on email. Huhuhu… Please reply soon… I’m so anxious.

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Crying and crying again

Start crying and crying again. Thought that things will get better. But it didn’t, it was just hid under the table, deeper and deeper.

Then realized, it’s still there.

It’s been 4 years since I’m back. It really never come across my mind that it will be like that.

How much I have disappointed my church brothers and sisters, those who have tried to help me; those who tolerated with me.

And now, I don’t dare to tell any of them even though I really hope to.

Inside me I am shouting and crying for help.

But I just unable to tell them.

I’m a disappointment to them. I’m such a failure.

I have been wondering what’s wrong with me?

Will I be able to find a way out? Will I be able to find a home?

Will I be able to be happy again?

Mistakes and Failures

Every time when/after I had made a mistake or done a failure, I do wonder how many mistakes and failures more it will take me to walk to the correct path/direction.

How many people I have to disappoint in order for me to find my way.

Oh well… or maybe I’ll continuously making wrong turns on and off until I finally see my Father.

Not saying I don’t feel sorry for myself, but I guess moving on is more practical than feeling bad.

**Trying to justify because I don’t feel as bad as I guess I should be. >.<

Malaysia

Seriously, what had happened to you?

Such a beautiful land, a land so rich with cultures and blessings.

But what had happened?

It truly crushed me and left me much sorrow that all this is happening.

We just want to be united with all other races, brothers and sisters.

We just want to feel safe when we are walking on the street or driving on the road.

I feel so so sad when you have become like this.

I feel so so hurt that because you are already hurting many people now.

Please be healed of your sickness.

Please be healed, my beloved land, my beloved country.

Obsession

How many of us suffer from obsessive behaviour throughout our days on and off?

Do you know that obsessive behaviour is a disorder that one keep having compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea.

Many times we do not realize that we are suffering this ourselves.

The same idea keeps coming to haunt you until you repeatedly doing the same actions.

You do not know when exactly to stop that actions, you do not know how to draw the line of “enough”.

It creates anxiety.

There it irritates other people, it creates fears in others of you.

Then, why?

Why need so much assurance that you are able to be in control?

Why need so much to control things in your own hands?

Why such insecure feelings?

Why fear so much of rejection?

Why such reactions towards rejection?

Rejection does not come from any other people, but it is from yourself.

You agree with how others view you, you rejected yourself but blaming others for causing it in you.

Dear, wake up!

Have you not seen God who has wonderfully and fearfully made you when you were still in your mother’s womb?

Have you not known that Jesus died on the cross just because of you?

Just because God sees you as His precious.

Even how lousy we were, He still wanted to die for us.

Aren’t those already enough to prove that God loves you?

Aren’t those already enough to prove that God values you priceless?

Why don’t agree with God instead of those people as lousy as us?

Dear, wake up!